Dazed and Creative

Saturday, August 4, 2012

The Hope Project

Close by,numb. Chattering, not listening. Showing, not seeing. Touching, not feeling.

It was mid-summer 2007, Fostoria, Ohio. We were sitting in the playroom on the small love seat. Me and my beautiful girls. My beautiful girl's and I. It was a hot day out. I sat waiting for the clock to tick to 10 til 5. Come on! Time passed by so slowly that day. The air conditioner was on full blast, yet I felt like I was suffocating. The girls wanted to go outside, I didn't. They wanted to play, I didn't. I had a plan and I was sticking to it. They would be fine. Daddy would be home at 5:15 sharp. They would only be alone maybe 15 minutes. Heck I took longer showers than that. Billy did it. Why couldn't I?

So what if it was the easy way out. So what if it didn't work the first 4 times. It could work this time. It would be ok and he would take care of them. I had no doubts. The pain would finally end. Why did folks call it the easy way out anyway? What the hell did they know! There was nothing about being me that was easy. Never had been. I decided on a whim to try my mom. The phone rang forever. She never answered. It was fate. I was supposed to do this.

I decided to busy myself with cleaning until it was time. Then, the phone rang. I looked at the ID and answered. I still to this day have no clue why. I didn't want to. It just happened. The voice on the other end said, "Kim, It's Lesley are you ok? You sound funny. Should I call back?" Me, "No, I saw it was you on the ID. I wouldn't have answered if I didn't want to." I never really told her that she saved me that day. I just said I was having a bad day. She invited us to come to her church to hear her sing that Sunday. I said she could expect us. We hung up and dammit my hubby was home and my plan was foiled!

This was not the first time I had planned out my suicide or my last attempt but it was the beginning of the end. It was the path that took me to a place where I rarely have those "types" of thoughts anymore. I could write a book about what it's like to have Chronic Suicide Thoughts. I capitalize because it's a name, just like any other disease. It deserves that kind of attention to prevent it. I have had suicide thoughts my whole life. No one has ever understood, although I know I'm not the only one. My other attempts failed and they are tales for another day.

So when I was asked today by Carrie over at http://trulywrittenramblings.wordpress.com/ to take the Hope Baton, write about hope and pass it on I couldn't think of a more perfect memory than this to share. If you knew me now, you would never believe I ever wanted to take my life let alone have attempted it multiple times. I was suffering from severe post-partum depression that time but I have had depression my whole entire life. When I prayed as a little girl I begged God to take me in my sleep PLEASE! He never did. Now I know it's because he is not finished with me here on earth. I don't know what his plan is but I keep myself open to him and what to do next.

Hope. Sweet hope.

So, I will be passing the Hope Baton on to 5 bloggers that I follow faithfully because they give me hope of a better tomorrow.

Alexandra (AKA The Empress) at http://www.gooddayregularpeople.com/

Mrs. D at http://thedezsobabyfiles.blogspot.com/

Mommy at http://www.starkravingmadmommy.com/

Kathy at http://www.returntoworkmom.com/

Shoshana at http://zavtikpregnancy.blogspot.com/

"The rules are merely to write about hope and then pass the baton on! Happy scribbling!"-Carrie

Here is a linky to check out: http://suicideproject.org/about/ if you are having or ever had suicide thoughts. I am proof that anyone can overcome many things including suicide thoughts. There is nothing to great for God.

"While suicide is certainly not the "unforgivable sin," we must never forget that God prohibits murder of any kind."-http://home.earthlink.net/~ronrhodes/Suicide.html

A verse about hope from the Bible: Romans 5:2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-hope-20-uplifting-scripture-quotes/#ixzz22dbnSWdM

Namaste,

Kim

Crochet Tutorial

So, as I said in an earlier post I have joined the band wagon at church and will be making prayer shawls in bulk. Well it's been a while since I crocheted and I haven't learned to knit. My momma taught me when I was 8. I started a baby afghan when I was preggos with Maddie but never finished it. I need to say I hate the way the yarn feels on my hands if they are sweaty! Yep, it's a sensory issue. I have a few of them but who doesn't! Yarn has a unique quality about it that simply causes my hands to sweat. So, I do not like to crochet. So, why am I gonna crochet?

No one got up and went back to the yarn boxes after church. I felt compelled to. When I opened those boxes I gasped at the glory inside. the pure beauty of color and texture. unbelievable. I came home with 2 bags full and began almost immediately. But first, yarn in hand, crochet needle in hand, I couldn't remember how to start because I had always let my mom do that for me. What now, it's midnight and she's asleep. Um, google...start a crochet chain? You Tube you are magnificent! I have taken my own pics here to document and show you how to make a chain, which is the first step in crocheting.

I have 2 crochet projects started. Yep, I'm always working on 10 things at once. I get bored and restless easily. 1 project also uses the same muscles repeatedly, causing me pain. So, I mix it up. The one thing about this yarn is that there were no 2 a like and most were small skeins. They were all different kinds of whacky made yarn made by hand mostly and very eclectic! I had no clue what I would do with them. I matched them up and decided which one would go first, etc. I began and have went through so many emotions. Emotions triggered by crocheting? What?! The way they felt in my hands.soft. The way they felt in my hands as they came together. comforting. secure. They came together wacky and I had a lot of self-doubt but convinced myself to keep going. I switched mediums (yarn textures), needle sizes, and tension. My momma was wowed, I think. Are they gonna be prayers shawls that sit in your lap...well? They are gonna be shawls for sure beyond that I do not know. I told my hubster I was listening to the yarn. It will shape it's self.

Beautiful, huh

Unheard of brand

Step 1 Make Loop

Step 2 Take the end on the right and put under(behind) circle.

Step 3 Using your finger pull that piece through to front making a small loop.

Step 4 Grab your needle and shove it in.

Step 5 Pull loop tight by pulling both strings

Step 6 Wrap left string behind and over needle.

Step 7 Pull it gently through first loop.

Step 8 Repeat steps 6 & 7 over and over again until you have desired length (which will actually be the width of your project.

After googling around the web I decided on a half circle lap shawl.
I will do a tutorial on it in a later post.

It's growing and I love the colors!

Oh how I wish it was for me or my shop!

A close up of the 2 mediums (yarns) used thus far.

The other one, which is also turning out unexpectedly amazing!

My new Who am I title: A Crocheter! I am in love with this art form. I can't wait to finish and brag, I mean show you! Take note how the half circle is not straight on the bottom...it angles down on both sides. It is not supposed to do that! It is caused by my tension! The tension in my yarn as I crochet it together is very tight in the beginning of both of these because I am TENSE! All the time, doing this is making me very aware of this state of being I am in. Which is a good thing because I am making a conscious effort to relax my yarn tension and my body and mind.

Namaste,

Kim

P.S.

Thank you for reading my diary of a worm (me). I welcome comments! It's my only means of social interaction besides church here in my new homeland (Cleveland, Ohio).

Friday, August 3, 2012

DIYin' It

Collage: Relax during a renovation? This could be you!
Image Credit: MS Office ClipArt: home, living room, couple, relaxing
2011 @ wobuilt.com
Yeah, Right! If only!

Wow, what a busy full filling day! I was up early after an actual night of uninterrupted sleep. I had a hard time getting started but pushed (by the twins) I got moving. Blog, Coffee, removed nasty disintegrating carpet from stairs, delegated the sweeping and mopping of them:-), sanded a few with new electric sander, made round 2 of home made laundry detergent, crocheted a lot and fed and played with kids around all of that. Although in Isabelle's opinion not enough, as she stood at the gate saying, "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy..." and you get the picture! I feel tired and accomplished. Oh and I got a hard nap in for an hour!

I'm afraid of how I'll feel for the next few (2 weeks) days after all that but someone has to do it! This is not really my hubster's idea of fun, which is why I'm doing the renovating of the house. Although, he will help when asked I know he would rather not and that's okay because he does so much else around here. He takes the kids to school and therapies, washes the laundry, and makes muffins on Sunday. All the while trying to work from home (may not be the best idea), it's hard to get things done with us around demanding his time.

So, I made the second round of home made laundry detergent from this post, http://dazedandcreative.blogspot.com/2012/07/home-made-laundry-detergent.html. Although I swore I would not let it boil this time, I failed terribly! It was going well. I had a plan. Then Abi was thirsty. Then Izzy and Bud were too! And, BOIL! I rush to turn the heat down and stir. Then I start crocheting and....BOIL! Seriously, well maybe next time I will NOT boil it! Who knows what the end result is supposed to be; mine is not as thick looking as the tutorial I used but the clothes come clean.

Some pics from today's hard work: