" The most creative act you will ever undertake is the act of creating yourself."

Saturday, August 4, 2012

The Hope Project

Close by,numb. Chattering, not listening. Showing, not seeing. Touching, not feeling. 

It was mid-summer 2007, Fostoria, Ohio. We were sitting in the playroom on the small love seat. Me and my beautiful girls. My beautiful girl's and I. It was a hot day out. I sat waiting for the clock to tick to 10 til 5. Come on! Time passed by so slowly that day. The air conditioner was on full blast, yet I felt like I was suffocating. The girls wanted to go outside, I didn't. They wanted to play, I didn't. I had a plan and I was sticking to it. They would be fine. Daddy would be home at 5:15 sharp. They would only be alone maybe 15 minutes. Heck I took longer showers than that. Billy did it. Why couldn't I?

So what if it was the easy way out. So what if it didn't work the first 4 times. It could work this time. It would be ok and he would take care of them. I had no doubts. The pain would finally end. Why did folks call it the easy way out anyway? What the hell did they know! There was nothing about being me that was easy. Never had been. I decided on a whim to try my mom. The phone rang forever. She never answered. It was fate. I was supposed to do this.

 I decided to busy myself with cleaning until it was time. Then, the phone rang. I looked at the ID and answered. I still to this day have no clue why. I didn't want to. It just happened. The voice on the other end said, "Kim, It's Lesley are you ok? You sound funny. Should I call back?" Me, "No, I saw it was you on the ID. I wouldn't have answered if I didn't want to." I never really told her that she saved me that day. I just said I was having a bad day. She invited us to come to her church to hear her sing that Sunday. I said she could expect us. We hung up and dammit my hubby was home and my plan was foiled!

This was not the first time I had planned out my suicide or my last attempt but it was the beginning of the end. It was the path that took me to a place where I rarely have those "types" of thoughts anymore. I could write a book about what it's like to have Chronic Suicide Thoughts. I capitalize because it's a name, just like any other disease. It deserves that kind of attention to prevent it. I have had suicide thoughts my whole life. No one has ever understood, although I know I'm not the only one. My other attempts failed and they are tales for another day.

So when I was asked today by Carrie over at http://trulywrittenramblings.wordpress.com/ to take the Hope Baton, write about hope and pass it on I couldn't think of a more perfect memory than this to share. If you knew me now, you would never believe I ever wanted to take my life let alone have attempted it multiple times. I was suffering from severe post-partum depression that time but I have had depression my whole entire life. When I prayed as a little girl I begged God to take me in my sleep PLEASE! He never did. Now I know it's because he is not finished with me here on earth. I don't know what his plan is but I keep myself open to him and what to do next.

Hope. Sweet hope.

So, I will be passing the Hope Baton on to 5 bloggers that I follow faithfully because they give me hope of a better tomorrow.

Alexandra (AKA The Empress) at http://www.gooddayregularpeople.com/

Mrs. D at http://thedezsobabyfiles.blogspot.com/

Mommy at http://www.starkravingmadmommy.com/

Kathy at http://www.returntoworkmom.com/

Shoshana at http://zavtikpregnancy.blogspot.com/

"The rules are merely to write about hope and then pass the baton on! Happy scribbling!"-Carrie

Here is a linky to check out: http://suicideproject.org/about/ if you are having or ever had suicide thoughts. I am proof that anyone can overcome many things including suicide thoughts. There is nothing to great for God.

"While suicide is certainly not the "unforgivable sin," we must never forget that God prohibits murder of any kind."-http://home.earthlink.net/~ronrhodes/Suicide.html

A verse about hope from the Bible: Romans 5:2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-hope-20-uplifting-scripture-quotes/#ixzz22dbnSWdM



  1. Kim, thank you so much for sharing. I'm sure it's not the first time you've shared that story, but I'm thankful that you did as part of the HOPE 2012 blog relay. Without even knowing you, I'm glad you're still here. Thank you for spreading hope.

  2. Thank you for reading my post! I'm glad I'm still here too! Life is so much better these days!

  3. Great post! I'm sorry you've suffered but I do believe you are right! God has a plan for you.

    Very brave and courageous for you to share this!

  4. Thanks Carrie for passing the Hope baton to me! I'm not the best writer but I'm trying to find my style!

  5. I am beyond honored, humbled. Thank YOU so much for letting me know that I've shared something that is a helping hand to you. Why I blog: to be that difference to anyone/someone on this planet we share.

    Thank you so very, very much. You've touched my heart.

  6. @ The Empress, When I found your blog I thought bloggers only blogged about there "niche" AKA quilting, fashion, ya know. I thought I was the only one blogging about deep emotions diary style. Boy was I wrong! I've many other's since I found you through you! So, the thanks goes to you!