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I survived pool exercise first thing this morning! Yippee! I met with the addiction group dr and talked about where I am and how I felt. It went fine! I told her I am not starting from ground zero. That I do not feel like going to NA or AA will help me. I think that by doing that I would actually be repeating the same thing expecting different results. I took a look at the SMART program online this morning,; it is a different take on recovery from addiction. What stood out the most is when it got to- self harm is an addiction. Self harm behaviors can be habitual(my theory here)and habits, well aren't they kind of addictions?! or like them! The dr told me they have SMART meetings online that I might want to look into while I'm exploring the program and what it's about. I am not close-minded people! I know sometimes I come off that way because I have anger management issues but I am open to anything that will help me.
So, I chewed on that throughout the rest of the day and then got to yoga. Yay! During Shavasana, I had a slight epiphany that my pain could possibly be self harm by allowing myself to live in it. I have developed a pattern of habitual behavior of focusing in on my pain, talking about my pain, allowing my pain to change my personality, allowing my pain to ruin parts of my life, and sometimes I crave "to be" in pain when I'm not because I feel lost when I'm not. What will I think or talk about if not pain? What can my pain do for me? Well, I was the first to raise my hand when we were asked to admit if we had used our pain to manipulate people or to get a "free pass".
What can I get if I display pain behavior? People notice me. People help me. People do things for me. People love me more? or maybe not. Will they if I stop? The goal besides walking with straight posture is Don't ask, Don't tell! We are not to be asked anymore by our loved ones if we are "ok" or in pain. They are not to ask if they can do things for us. We are not to tell them we are in pain ever. If we shift our focus off of our pain and onto other things we will all feel better, our loved ones included. Attitude my friends! Shifting my perspective of my pain doesn't take my pain away but changes how I address it or NOT!
Pain has compromised my life enough. I have allowed it to compromise my life enough. I will not allow this to continue. Feel free to comment! I would love feedback or to hear your experience with anything I talk about.