Um, wow...I am so tired! I was afraid to go again today because the first stop was the gym. I have never been very comfortable around others while exercising. It makes me vulnerable and embarrassed for some reason. Is it that I think someone is looking at me.. judging me? I don't know! I just feel naked, exposed somehow. On an up note, I peddled for 30 minutes!
I had in the first hour"ish" of being there this morning spoke to 2 different participants with 2 vastly different attitudes and experiences after being there for 3 weeks. The first was a complete 180 experience! Profound and empowering. The hope that lives within this person was amazing. The latter made me feel sorry for them. It also annoyed me because I think it is really expensive to be there and if you aren't "in the mood" to change then leave and come back when you are. Later I tried to open myself up to the latter of the two to understand what they are going through. I eventually got to give feedback to that person and told them to put their "big girl" panties on and take responsibility for themselves. I know it sounds harsh but that is the goal in the program and that is the kind of feedback the guidelines suggested we give.
A while later, in a different group I was annoyed because the dr. just assumed that since I was in that group I must have come in hooked on drugs and unlike the other drs she had not bothered to read my file. I was placed in that group by a computer because I had past history of drug use. The head dr said I could probably teach the group because of my history and he would probably switch me to yoga 3 times a week instead of once a week. I believe at this point in my life the yoga would be far more beneficial to me, especially since one of my 5 goals for this program is to teach yoga again. Um, ya know...my real job...yoga teacher.
I am not against 12 step programs for drugs but I don't think I need an Intro to it. I think I got my "intro" the 13 years that I attended Narcotics Anonymous meetings every single day give or take a couple. How many NA annual conventions I went to?! I'm not mad at the dr persay more just annoyed that my time and money will be wasted. I also do not want to be "required" to attend 3 meetings a week for the next 3-4 weeks. I have choose my path and meetings are not were I belong. I am not in denial but I suppose it is time to come completely out of the closet. I have not gone to meetings for 10 years now because after a thorough self examination over many years I realized by calling myself an addict I was still hiding. I am not an addict. Yes, I drank and used drugs. Yes, I made bad decisions. I was hiding. I had never been taught how to cope.
I went to rehab and stayed for 4 months. I came out in pain physically, pregnant (I was not when I went in) and suicidal. Why? Because they took me off all my meds. Not all meds are bad. I should have been allowed to stay on birth control because condoms do not always work. I should have been allowed to stay on anti depressants because they helped. Well, anyhoo I got out and except for 1 intentional slip so I could make having an abortion (in my mind) ok to do. I have not had any desire to use since then. I didn't have cravings. I never understood what "1 is too many and a thousand is never enough" meant in reference to anything but writing words or talking. I talk a lot. a lot.
I will not rehash things that happened while I went to the program for those 13 years. It is a confidentiality thing but more so because I see no purpose in replaying all the things I did to people there or vice versa; more bad decisions were made there too. Another very important reason which is also why I have not publicized my decision about what or who I am is because I have been hesitant to share so as not to effect others that were there when I was and still are. I would never want anyone to decide maybe they are not an addict after all because of my experience. What is working for me may not work for you. I would never recommend that someone that is an addict ever stop going to meetings to get help, have a sponsor or otherwise. Au contraire, I highly recommend and strongly suggest that if you have a problem with drugs and or alcohol that's exactly where you need to be.
This program is going to take me away from my kids way too much as it is. Anything extra outside of the 9 hours of being there will not help me. If the meetings would truly help me I'd be there, I swear. I asked the dr if everyone that comes in is on drugs and addicted and she said yes pretty much so. I didn't say anything. She corrected herself(must have been the look on my face) and said 80% do. I am more likely to believe that. She also stated that people who are in pain that have been addicted to drugs in the past always relapse. (yup, another look from me). I said that could not always be true. Then she finally asked if either of us had ever heard of 12 step programs or been to meetings. Finally...was all I could think. I answered. I will also be talking to her tomorrow because I slightly resent her attitude and assumptions. She did admit that they are not an addiction program and it is possible for patients to know more about the issue than they do as drs in the pain program.
Whew! And, that was only half the day! Body mechanics...know about just don't practice. Talked a lot about things we are mad about and how feelings effect our pain level. Also, an hour on assertiveness. Next on the agenda is falling asleep(not intentional)while listening to the meditation cd they gave us. We are to listen every day for 30 days. We screw up we start over. I will most likely have to start over because I will most likely forget at some point. Also, why not keep doing it after the 30 days because that is why I am in the program. I am not 2 birds that needs to be fixed with one stone. I am ever so grateful for getting out of those patterns of using medications and drugs to numb the pain so many years ago. The thought of being in the place so many of these other people are makes my skin crawl..makes me want to vomit. That was an awful time in my life I will never revisit, except in talk. I am so thankful that I am not just now hitting my bottom and not having to start where I was way back then. I am thankful I am where I am today and can start right there. Amen to that! I have been on my way up for over two decades and will continue that climb until the last day on this earth.
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