" The most creative act you will ever undertake is the act of creating yourself."

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Hope Gone Bad

Apparently, writing my hope post sent me into a spiraling depression today. I feel I have nothing to say. I have nothing to hope for. I'm sure forcing Maddie through another clean out has not helped me and for whatever reason when I am away from my mother (who completely annoys me most of the time) I go through this. Maybe it's some weird kind of separation anxiety except I'm an adult and should be grown out of it by now. This is a poopy post that I should not post. I should wait out my funk before I post again. Who knows when it will end though. It would probably go faster if I wrote about it but what to say?

I feel lost. I feel sad. Melancholy. I feel fall in my spirit and bones. It comes every year. But every year I wonder if it will pass me up just this once. I want to be a happy cheerful person. I want to quit thinking about my ex meeting his daughter but I can't. She asked me today what he looked like and when he would want to meet her. I had no answer. I'm sorry baby. I don't know. I am sorry for her that he doesn't want to. My hubster and I argued today about what I should do next. Like everyone else he thinks I should forget about it. If only it was that easy! What about all the family not just him and his immediate, siblings and parents. What about her cousins that are practically the same age and great aunts and uncles? What about her right's?

I know it's backwards! Usually it's the dad fighting for his rights but in our circumstance it's the daughter fighting for her rights to be a part of that family. Just saying it's their loss is not that true or easy. However, my hubster said to do what I felt needed to be done for Maddie and he would be supportive. I won that battle yet I do not feel any better about it. I just want everyone to be happy in the end. I'm afraid there will be no happy ending. Why does everything in this F****** life have to be so difficult? Fixing the fridge, fixing this situation...both are actually comparable. Nothing ever gets fixed no matter how hard you try or don't try.

I'm gonna go crawl in a hole (my bed) now and cry.

If hope floats,  I am defiantly sinking. Awoken at 5:00 am to another explosive poop. Poor Maddie!  I just read that the opposite of hope is fear, not hopelessness by Margaret Wheatley. Linky to meditation   http://www.ufppc.org/quotations-mainmenu-39/7448-meditation-the-opposite-of-hope-is-fear-not-hopelessness.html. I'm gonna go read this is get back to ya on it. I just have one last thought to say to the small world of folks that are taking the time to read my BS. We share a daughter, a beautiful innocent daughter. Can't we be Allies?


  1. You know Kim, I never read any of these things, but for some reason I did today. Try to keep in mind that you do the best you can. I don't know how you do it, but you do and usually in a positive tone. We are run ragged by our two that have very few health issues. I don't know for sure but it sounds like you have a good husband, and I have a feeling that he treats your Daughter as his own. At the end of the day after all of the crap. The dirty diapers, the messes, the up at three am, the "how many times have I told you to not throw F*****g rocks", I could imagine my life any other way. Remember these things: Heavenly Father loves you, he chose you to mother these children (because you are the perfect and strong one to do it) and last, this too will pass.
    Peace Out.

  2. Thanks for your support Bill! Most days I do stay positive and hopeful but every now and then I feel like the ground gets yanked out from underneath me. Run ragged is exactly what I am. I do have a great husband and he is wonderful to all our children. He has always treated M as his own. Sometimes I have to remind myself that God Chose me for a reason to do this. That I am strong enough, it's hard to believe sometimes I feel so small and weak. Thank you for reminding me to pull my boot straps up and put my big girl panties back on!