Saturday- Grace as we know it is not always all that graceful, now is it?! Caught off guard today, I am showering Mads and Abi and Mads says to me, "When will I get to meet you know who?". I say, "I don't know but we aren't going to talk about it right now". Abi interjects, (of course) "who?" (Insert BIG GIANT SIGH) Mads says sorry am I bad? I told her no, it was bound to happen eventually. I can't expect her to hide it from her siblings like we have from her for 10 years. So, I slowly begin explaining to Abi that Madeleine has 2 dad's and that the other one didn't want to be a dad when I was pregnant. So, her daddy, James, is Madeleine's daddy. And, please remember I'm talking to Abigail! I've mentioned a time or two thousand before that she has so many "why's" up her sleeve.
So, we (I) spent the rest of the shower time answering all her questions to her satisfaction which also led us into a full blown conversation about Invitro Fertilization, which is how we had her and the twins. Wow, and don't forget the question of how Madeleine was made at home! It was a long and incredibly hard conversation that made me feel the usual plymouth of emotions that always come with it.
In the end, the answer is always the same. I don't know when you will get to meet him but I do believe someday he will want to because at the end of the day he is really not bad folk. I understand his fears and why he chose to do what he did and I actually do understand why he doesn't stand up for me now. He has 3 women in his life that will just not be very happy with him to know that he really did deny them. deny me. deny her. I've been around to witness 2 of them when they are not pleased with him. So, although I don't understand why he ran me out of his life over a baby, I do understand the choosing to not tell his family part. Look at how they are dealing with it now. It sure isn't the smooth situation I had so desperately hoped for.
Sunday- Today in church the sermon was on..sometimes saying sorry just isn't enough then what do we do? If we want to see the face of Jesus then we need to be Jesus, metaphorically of course. We want to do what Jesus did with the woman that came to him with a jar of perfume and cleaned his feet with her tears and hair and freshened him with the perfume. He forgave her of all her sins. She was so grateful to Jesus. We need to be Jesus to other sinners and forgive them of there sin?! What! We need to love the person but hate the sin. We need to reach out and give to those that need whether it be money, food or just a friend. This is being Jesus. This is so hard! We have to do this with all folk not just the ones we choose. The sinners as well as the non-sinners that are down on there luck.
Today after the service I witnessed others being Jesus as I had done this week myself. It was beautiful and unexpected and I am so grateful. The people at church hardly know me and my hubster doesn't go with us. I imagine what they think. We are not equally yolked and they judge us. Yeah right....so wrong! I've been to a lot of church's and this one is so different. The spirit of God is inside of all of them. At first I thought and still do some think it's to small of a church we should go somewhere that is larger. Why? I don't know. To meet more people, to go where it's happening. It is happening right there in that to small for me church!
So what happened is I put us on the prayer list because I start the pain clinic this week and because we are still both unemployed. I put a family member on because they are going through hard financial times and called to borrow money this week. We will give til we have nothing left. I was open and honest to my fellow church family because I felt compelled to be. Afterwards, a couple people came up to me and shook my hand and inside of there hand was money for my family. I was surprised. This has never happened to me before. At first I was embarrassed then grateful. I was afraid to tell my hubster because I was worried that he would be upset because I shared too much personal stuff with others. God will provide if you ask him. He will provide whether I am sinning or not. Although he prefers me not to be. He will provide because I continually act like Jesus by helping other's from the love spot in my heart and for no other reason. I don't want patted on the back, often times most people do not even know I do the things I do except for the receiver.
This week I was provided a job. I made a costume for our first shop customer on Etsy. Then on Saturday while at the sewing store getting supplies, a woman asked me questions about making a veil. I gave her my card and she said her daughter would be calling and they also need alterations for the bridesmaid dresses! So, I pray they call. God will provide because he loves us.