" The most creative act you will ever undertake is the act of creating yourself."

Monday, August 20, 2012

Dreams in the Raw

Ok, so I'm participating in a writing session called Stream of Consciousness over at Jana's thinking place and the deal is to write for 5 minutes and no more about a repetitive dream I have. The 2 rules are only write for the 5 min and leave it in the raw, no editing or proofreading! So here goes...

I have been having this particular recurring theme in my dreams for 10 years now. Take note of the length of time and deduct when they started. Birth of Madeleine. It figures, right!? I dream about my ex and his family. I find them and I'm at some kind of a family gathering and Madeleine is there. But I can't find him. I spend the whole dream searching for him to introduce her to him. I see him across the yard, drive-way, room but never face to face. I never get to introduce them. But sometimes we do come face to face and hold each other. It's odd because I have no desire that I am aware of to do this. What I get out of this is the obvious! I want them so desperately to meet and he doesn't. It is real life except his family doesn't want to meet her either. Duh! But what stands out in these dreams is not the chasing him around the whole time never catching up with him, it's the emotional roller coaster that I'm on.

Feelings...nothing but feelings..frustration that I can't catch up with him, fear that I can't find him, happiness that I'm so close, and sadness..deep eternal sadness. Deep to the soul, cutting me in a place that hurts so incredibly. It suffocates me. I miss him. I miss his family. I want to be a part of them. I do not think I'd feel this if I didn't have his daughter. I want him to know her like I do. I want him to be in love with her like I am. I want him to play with her. I want him to teach her things. I want him to take her for nature walks in the woods. I want him to hug her. to hold her when she's sad. I want him to be a daddy to her.

Is there really something wrong with this?! His sister actually said to me that it sounded like I was obsessed and she said with an emphasis on it being a bad thing. He is my baby's daddy. Come on cut me a break. I don't "think" he is. I know he is.

I want her to be his daughter. For real. She's allowed to have two dad's for real. She does have, so why can't she live in real time instead of some lie. Lying never pays off. This is a hard lesson in Thou shalt not lie.

My 5 minutes are up!

Namaste. I need a massage. tomorrow starts my pain clinic. I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm getting a migraine. Sorry, I have to correct my spelling as I go or I could have wrote more. I am obsessed with correct spelling.

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