" The most creative act you will ever undertake is the act of creating yourself."

Monday, July 16, 2012


The question posed hypothetically was if I had been taught differently and acted differently would the friends I had then still want to claim me as friends now? I believe the answer is yes. I am who I am, right but I deserved to be protected in my own home and in school. I deserved self confidence. Which I would have gained through praise from my parents. I deserved to be comfortable in my own skin and to know how to respond to the peer pressure of shoplifting or smoking pot. I had no clue. Kids...all kids deserve that. I believe our interpretation of self confidence has been skewed. When we here the words and think about our school days what comes to my mind is popular, snooty, "the in crowd", etc. What I have been trying to talk about goes much deeper than that. I'm talking about the negative talk in my head that never stopped. The self-loathing I felt. No child deserves to suffer that way. I prayed at night for God to take my life every night from as young as 6 years old until I was well into adulthood. My heart breaks for that child.

I deserved more and I don't think that you would have liked me any less if I had received the social training and praise that (again I say) I deserved. All children deserve these things. They may not have made me "popular" but that really wasn't what I was trying to achieve. I wanted to be able to sit in a classroom or the lunch room without feeling so self-loathing and insecure. I know that puberty, pms and age effect all this but I was never taught any coping skills. And, yes had I been taught these things I would have been different but I think I would have still had the same nature about me. I still would have been sweet and caring, however I would have been confident too. I would have known how to respond to the girl named Amy who bullied me at band camp. I certainly wouldn't have went home crying! I deserved more than that.

God, let's things happen to us. Meaning that he doesn't always intervene when someone uses their self will to do wrong against us. This doesn't necessarily mean God wanted those things to happen or that he knew that a certain person was going to sin against us. I'm sure God wanted that person to make a better decision but when they didn't that's when God came in. However, we have to be open to God helping us. As long as we choose our self will made decisions, bad things will happen to us over and over again. He lets things happen to us so that in hope we will desire to walk with him. In hope we will turn toward him and allow him to help us.

I turned my back on God when I felt like he let the child abuse happen to me. I quit praying because I didn't think he was answering. I quit going to church after he had already answered but I didn't know that his answer had already happened. It had stopped because he gave me the courage to run and the strength and ability to run. God had answered when his other attempts to rescue me through others had failed. He realized he would have to give me the courage to rescue myself. And, so I did. I continued to turn my back on God and to be an emergency prayer. My granny always said be careful what you wish for you might get it. Boy, was she ever right.

I prayed to stay pregnant with Maddie at any price! At the time that price was high. Now I realize God had a plan. He had someone for me "in waiting". He was planning for my future knowing I would need someone to provide for me through my disabilities. I have the same health issues his mom had, ironic. My husband couldn't have children without medical intervention so finding me alone and pregnant was an answer to his prayers. Science joined our eggs and sperm to create our 3 other children. God knew I was born to be a mother to many children and so I am where I am supposed to be doing what I am supposed to be doing. And, through the grace of God I have found God and am willing to allow him to heal me and my past. He gives me the insight to be a different parent than my parents were. God love them. They raised me the only way they knew how. The way their parents raised them but I am not ignorant therefore I must change my parenting style for my children. They deserve it!


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