Lost Down Alice's Rabbit Hole

Yes as a matter of fact I am. Lost inside of Cleveland Clinic Pain Rehab. Confused, conflicted, mad, annoyed, happy, alone, not alone...a roller coaster of emotion. What I am not is in pain! Why because it's none of your business if I am or am not! Matter of fact it is none of my business if I am in P! The "P" word is not to be spoken ever again unless it's acute and I need a f@#$ing band aid for real! No I am not mad about this. I am mad because they think everyone is always "using" pain behaviors. They think everyone that comes in is addicted or will become addicted because of the P. I just changed my username on google to my blog name and updated  my description to "manipulate with tears, do not take constructive criticism well, do not work well with others, love to laugh". 

What I really am is all the emotions in the second sentence above. I've been told this week when I cry while in an argument it's because I'm trying to manipulate the person to feel guilty. Don't you love psychologist's! And, here I thought I wanted to be one when I grow up! haha They have such profound insight! I chewed on that bull crap all weekend before I realized it was a generalization. What is really happening to me when I cry in an argument is I am angry and frustrated and sometimes scared out of my pants because all the arguments I grew up with ended up in being beaten by my dad, abandoned emotionally by my mom and emotionally and verbally abused by one of my siblings and molested by the other two. And, in the end it was all somehow my fault or it never happened I just imagined it. 

What I hear when I am being corrected or constructively criticized is "your a stupid idiot, your not good enough, you never finish anything, your talking to much, your not talking enough, everything you say is about you, you are selfish, why won't you talk about yourself, your a baby if you cry, your worthless, why don't you just kill yourself nobody cares anyway" and now I get to add to that committing suicide is just one big fuck you to everyone that loves you. When does it become about me...my life I mean? I didn't choose to be born. If I had known mental illness ran in the family I might have spared my children. So, I get to feel guilty for all the wrong ways my mom treated the other siblings and I get to feel guilty for passing mental illness to my children. I get to feel guilty for being molested because I somehow didn't stop it. I get to feel guilty because I'm STILL angry about that. 

I make a sad discovery and what do I do but reach out to the one person who can't give back in the very least. Why would I reach out to someone who abused me? Will I never learn? Now that really does make me sound like an idiot. 

On an up note, I completed a few more of my goals in OT. Played water volley ball yesterday and had a blast! Learned some Tai Chi and loved it! Meditated a lot and practiced my relaxation techniques when I was constructively criticized even though the dr felt I had shut down and withdrew from the group forcing him to feel like he had to walk on egg shells and mourn for the people that didn't get feed back from me because I give such great feedback! I told him, that it was his choice to feel that way about how I was responding to my constructive feedback. If he made the choice to walk on eggshells and mourn then I had no control over that. I am not that powerful. We have a choice to react a certain way and he chose his. I conquered my goal and that's what mattered most to me. I was able to take feedback given to me and breath through the anxiety of past thoughts and relax when it happened. We need to be the change we wish to see the world-Ghandi

My hubster wants to know if I think I'm getting what I need out of this program? Well, I don't know but what I am not going to do is quit because that is what I am expected to do! I am getting needed PT/OT and CBT/Biofeedback therapy. Sure there were easier ways to get these things possibly but I'm here it's paid for and follow up PT/OT is free for life so what the heck, right. And, I am changing my perception of pain. Anything, else will be considered fringe benefits!

tata for now,
Kim

ps.
It may be a few days..I am the "F" word...shhh, don't tell! Today, I am a Christian who needs to chew on a bar of soap!

F=Fucked Fatigued
P=Pain

First Week of Pain Management Clinic Over

Oomph! Off to a rockin" start! Wore my James Dean T the first day! Rode a stationary bike for 30 minutes while meeting the top of my target heart rate the second day. Swam and did aerobics in the pool for 45 minutes the third day. On Friday, my fourth day, was family day with the hubster. He learned, I learned and we learned together. I think it went very well!

A few interesting facts I learned is that folks with fibromyalgia have a lower pain thresholds than typical folks. I found out that suicidal thoughts and tendencies are genetic. I had no idea. I learned(like I didn't already know) that committing suicide is a big fuck you to everyone who loves you. I learned about the 4F's diet will help me if I can just be willing to give up red meat(mmm steak, juicy, bloody, yummy).

I decided to do a few online SMART meetings but I am also going to check into meetings called family groups or something for people with co-dependant families, like me. I have been listening to a meditation every night since the first night and I have to go 30 straight days or start over. I, also have to attach a word to it so in the future when I need to relax or calm down I can just think of that word and poof I'm there in that meditative state. We had to go out 3 hours today and have fun. We went to the Big Creek Reservation near us and walked with the kids and hung out by a creek. Well, Maddie hung out on the edge and in it collecting rocks. She made a playmate, which always surprises me. You know the golden rule, autism doesn't make friends! So ridiculous and wrong!

Tomorrow is church for 3 hours and I joined the choir! I need to practice right now actually. I have one prayer shawl done and 2 more in the works for the ministry and 1 in the making for my shop. I sold another costume because I forgot to put the shop on vacation while I was in the program. Oh well, it should go faster this time and I think it may be the same size as Abi again:-) Pictures on her! I will chew on the rest of last week before I reveal more of what I learned.

ta ta for now,
Kim

Pain Management Clinic Day 3

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I survived pool exercise first thing this morning! Yippee! I met with the addiction group dr and talked about where I am and how I felt. It went fine! I told her I am not starting from ground zero. That I do not feel like going to NA or AA will help me. I think that by doing that I would actually be repeating the same thing expecting different results. I took a look at the SMART program online this morning,; it is a different take on recovery from addiction. What stood out the most is when it got to- self harm  is an addiction. Self harm behaviors can be habitual(my theory here)and habits, well aren't they kind of addictions?! or like them! The dr told me they have SMART meetings online that I might want to look into while I'm exploring the program and what it's about. I am not close-minded people! I know sometimes I come off that way because I have anger management issues but I am open to anything that will help me.

So, I chewed on that throughout the rest of the day and then got to yoga. Yay! During Shavasana, I had a slight epiphany that my pain could possibly be self harm by allowing myself to live in it. I have developed a pattern of habitual behavior of focusing in on my pain, talking about my pain, allowing my pain to change my personality, allowing my pain to ruin parts of my life, and sometimes I crave "to be" in pain when I'm not because I feel lost when I'm not. What will I think or talk about if not pain? What can my pain do for me? Well, I was the first to raise my hand when we were asked to admit if we had used our pain to manipulate people or to get a "free pass".

What can I get if I display pain behavior? People notice me. People help me. People do things for me. People love me more? or maybe not. Will they if I stop? The goal besides walking with straight posture is Don't ask, Don't tell! We are not to be asked anymore by our loved ones if we are "ok" or in pain. They are not to ask if they can do things for us. We are not to tell them we are in pain ever. If we shift our focus off of our pain and onto other things we will all feel better, our loved ones included. Attitude my friends! Shifting my perspective of my pain doesn't take my pain away but changes how I address it or NOT!

Pain has compromised my life enough. I have allowed it to compromise my life enough. I will not allow this to continue. Feel free to comment! I would love feedback or to hear your experience with anything I talk about.

Pain Management Clinic Day 2

Um, wow...I am so tired! I was afraid to go again today because the first stop was the gym. I have never been very comfortable around others while exercising. It makes me vulnerable and embarrassed for some reason. Is it that I think someone is looking at me.. judging me? I don't know! I just feel naked, exposed somehow. On an up note, I peddled for 30 minutes!

I had in the first hour"ish" of being there this morning spoke to 2 different participants with 2 vastly different attitudes and experiences after being there for 3 weeks. The first was a complete 180 experience! Profound and empowering. The hope that lives within this person was amazing. The latter made me feel sorry for them. It also annoyed me because I think it is really expensive to be there and if you aren't "in the mood" to change then leave and come back when you are. Later I tried to open myself up to the latter of the two to understand what they are going through. I eventually got to give feedback to that person and told them to put their "big girl" panties on and take responsibility for themselves. I know it sounds harsh but that is the goal in the program and that is the kind of feedback the guidelines suggested we give.

A while later, in a different group I was annoyed because the dr. just assumed that since I was in that group I must have come in hooked on drugs and unlike the other drs she had not bothered to read my file. I was placed in that group by a computer because I had past history of drug use. The head dr said I could probably teach the group because of my history and he would probably switch me to yoga 3 times a week instead of once a week. I believe at this point in my life the yoga would be far more beneficial to me, especially since one of my 5 goals for this program is to teach yoga again. Um, ya know...my real job...yoga teacher.

I am not against 12 step programs for drugs but I don't think I need an Intro to it. I think I got my "intro" the 13 years that I attended  Narcotics Anonymous meetings every single day give or take a couple. How many NA annual conventions I went to?! I'm not mad at the dr persay more just annoyed that my time and money will be wasted. I also do not want to be "required" to attend 3 meetings a week for the next 3-4 weeks. I have choose my path and meetings are not were I belong. I am not in denial but I suppose it is time to come completely out of the closet. I have not gone to meetings for 10 years now because after a thorough self examination over many years I realized by calling myself an addict I was still hiding. I am not an addict. Yes, I drank and used drugs. Yes, I made bad decisions. I was hiding. I had never been taught how to cope.

I went to rehab and stayed for 4 months. I came out in pain physically, pregnant (I was not when I went in) and suicidal. Why? Because they took me off all my meds. Not all meds are bad. I should have been allowed to stay on birth control because condoms do not always work. I should have been allowed to stay on anti depressants because they helped. Well, anyhoo I got out and except for 1 intentional slip so I could make having an abortion (in my mind) ok to do. I have not had any desire to use since then. I didn't have cravings. I never understood what "1 is too many and a thousand is never enough" meant in reference to anything but writing words or talking. I talk a lot. a lot.

I will not rehash things that happened while I went to the program for those 13 years. It is a confidentiality thing but more so because I see no purpose in replaying all the things I did to people there or vice versa; more bad decisions were made there too. Another very important reason which is also why I have not publicized my decision about what or who I am is because I have been hesitant to share so as not to effect others that were there when I was and still are. I would never want anyone to decide maybe they are not an addict after all because of my experience. What is working for me may not work for you. I would never recommend that someone that is an addict ever stop going to meetings to get help, have a sponsor or otherwise. Au contraire, I highly recommend and strongly suggest that if you have a problem with drugs and or alcohol that's exactly where you need to be.

This program is going to take me away from my kids way too much as it is. Anything extra outside of the 9 hours of being there will not help me. If the meetings would truly help me I'd be there, I swear. I asked the dr if everyone that comes in is on drugs and addicted and she said yes pretty much so. I didn't say anything. She corrected herself(must have been the look on my face) and said 80% do. I am more likely to believe that. She also stated that people who are in pain that have been addicted to drugs in the past always relapse. (yup, another look from me). I said that could not always be true. Then she finally asked if either of us had ever heard of 12 step programs or been to meetings. Finally...was all I could think. I answered. I will also be talking to her tomorrow because I slightly resent her attitude and assumptions. She did admit that they are not an addiction program and it is possible for patients to know more about the issue than they do as drs in the pain program.

Whew! And, that was only half the day! Body mechanics...know about just don't practice. Talked a lot about things we are mad about and how feelings effect our pain level. Also, an hour on assertiveness. Next on the agenda is falling asleep(not intentional)while listening to the meditation cd they gave us. We are to listen every day for 30 days. We screw up we start over. I will most likely have to start over because I will most likely forget at some point. Also, why not keep doing it after the 30 days because that is why I am in the program. I am not 2 birds that needs to be fixed with one stone. I am ever so grateful for getting out of those patterns of using medications and drugs to numb the pain so many years ago. The thought of being in the place so many of these other people are makes my skin crawl..makes me want to vomit. That was an awful time in my life I will never revisit, except in talk. I am so thankful that I am not just now hitting my bottom and not having to start where I was way back then. I am thankful I am where I am today and can start right there. Amen to that! I have been on my way up for over two decades and will continue that climb until the last day on this earth.

Hand Made Costume

My first sold item from my Etsy Shop! You can get to it by clicking here Maddie's Treasure Shop or clicking my shop tab on my home page of this blog! We just opened a couple months ago. This was my first sold project out of the store. It is a Mermaid costume for Halloween, dress up, photo props or theater. They are made to order. I am currently working on a princess and a fairy. I haven't decided on a boy's costume yet and Mads has to decide what she wants too! Each costume will be offered at my shop all year round, made to order in whatever colors are available that you choose. 

Sea Shell is from OBX from our vacation last summer!

Isn't she just a doll(a ham)!

Click here to go to other participants of  The Hand Made Parade.

Dreams in the Raw

Ok, so I'm participating in a writing session called Stream of Consciousness over at Jana's thinking place and the deal is to write for 5 minutes and no more about a repetitive dream I have. The 2 rules are only write for the 5 min and leave it in the raw, no editing or proofreading! So here goes...

I have been having this particular recurring theme in my dreams for 10 years now. Take note of the length of time and deduct when they started. Birth of Madeleine. It figures, right!? I dream about my ex and his family. I find them and I'm at some kind of a family gathering and Madeleine is there. But I can't find him. I spend the whole dream searching for him to introduce her to him. I see him across the yard, drive-way, room but never face to face. I never get to introduce them. But sometimes we do come face to face and hold each other. It's odd because I have no desire that I am aware of to do this. What I get out of this is the obvious! I want them so desperately to meet and he doesn't. It is real life except his family doesn't want to meet her either. Duh! But what stands out in these dreams is not the chasing him around the whole time never catching up with him, it's the emotional roller coaster that I'm on.

Feelings...nothing but feelings..frustration that I can't catch up with him, fear that I can't find him, happiness that I'm so close, and sadness..deep eternal sadness. Deep to the soul, cutting me in a place that hurts so incredibly. It suffocates me. I miss him. I miss his family. I want to be a part of them. I do not think I'd feel this if I didn't have his daughter. I want him to know her like I do. I want him to be in love with her like I am. I want him to play with her. I want him to teach her things. I want him to take her for nature walks in the woods. I want him to hug her. to hold her when she's sad. I want him to be a daddy to her.

Is there really something wrong with this?! His sister actually said to me that it sounded like I was obsessed and she said with an emphasis on it being a bad thing. He is my baby's daddy. Come on cut me a break. I don't "think" he is. I know he is.

I want her to be his daughter. For real. She's allowed to have two dad's for real. She does have, so why can't she live in real time instead of some lie. Lying never pays off. This is a hard lesson in Thou shalt not lie.

My 5 minutes are up!

Namaste. I need a massage. tomorrow starts my pain clinic. I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm getting a migraine. Sorry, I have to correct my spelling as I go or I could have wrote more. I am obsessed with correct spelling.

Grace As We Know It

Saturday- Grace as we know it is not always all that graceful, now is it?! Caught off guard today, I am showering Mads and Abi and Mads says to me, "When will I get to meet you know who?". I say, "I don't know but we aren't going to talk about it right now". Abi interjects, (of course) "who?" (Insert BIG GIANT SIGH) Mads says sorry am I bad? I told her no, it was bound to happen eventually. I can't expect her to hide it from her siblings like we have from her for 10 years. So, I slowly begin explaining to Abi that Madeleine has 2 dad's and that the other one didn't want to be a dad when I was pregnant. So, her daddy, James, is Madeleine's daddy. And, please remember I'm talking to Abigail! I've mentioned a time or two thousand before that she has so many "why's" up her sleeve.

So, we (I) spent the rest of the shower time answering all her questions to her satisfaction which also led us into a full blown conversation about Invitro Fertilization, which is how we had her and the twins. Wow, and don't forget the question of how Madeleine was made at home! It was a long and incredibly hard conversation that made me feel the usual plymouth of emotions that always come with it.

In the end, the answer is always the same. I don't know when you will get to meet him but I do believe someday he will want to because at the end of the day he is really not bad folk. I understand his fears and why he chose to do what he did and I actually do understand why he doesn't stand up for me now. He has 3 women in his life that will just not be very happy with him to know that he really did deny them. deny me. deny her. I've been around to witness 2 of them when they are not pleased with him. So, although I don't understand why he ran me out of his life over a baby, I do understand the choosing to not tell his family part. Look at how they are dealing with it now. It sure isn't the smooth situation I had so desperately hoped for.

Sunday- Today in church the sermon was on..sometimes saying sorry just isn't enough then what do we do? If we want to see the face of Jesus then we need to be Jesus, metaphorically of course. We want to do what Jesus did with the woman that came to him with a jar of perfume and cleaned his feet with her tears and hair and freshened him with the perfume. He forgave her of all her sins. She was so grateful to Jesus. We need to be Jesus to other sinners and forgive them of there sin?! What! We need to love the person but hate the sin. We need to reach out and give to those that need whether it be money, food or just a friend. This is being Jesus. This is so hard! We have to do this with all folk not just the ones we choose. The sinners as well as the non-sinners that are down on there luck.

Today after the service I witnessed others being Jesus as I had done this week myself. It was beautiful and unexpected and I am so grateful. The people at church hardly know me and my hubster doesn't go with us. I imagine what they think. We are not equally yolked and they judge us. Yeah right....so wrong! I've been to a lot of church's and this one is so different. The spirit of God is inside of all of them. At first I thought and still do some think it's to small of a church we should go somewhere that is larger. Why? I don't know. To meet more people, to go where it's happening. It is happening right there in that to small for me church!

So what happened is I put us on the prayer list because I start the pain clinic this week and because we are still both unemployed. I put a family member on because they are going through hard financial times and called to borrow money this week. We will give til we have nothing left. I was open and honest to my fellow church family because I felt compelled to be. Afterwards, a couple people came up to me and shook my hand and inside of there hand was money for my family. I was surprised. This has never happened to me before. At first I was embarrassed then grateful. I was afraid to tell my hubster because I was worried that he would be upset because I shared too much personal stuff with others. God will provide if you ask him. He will provide whether I am sinning or not. Although he prefers me not to be. He will provide because I continually act like Jesus by helping other's from the love spot in my heart and for no other reason. I don't want patted on the back, often times most people do not even know I do the things I do except for the receiver.

This week I was provided a job. I made a costume for our first shop customer on Etsy. Then on Saturday while at the sewing store getting supplies, a woman asked me questions about making a veil. I gave her my card and she said her daughter would be calling and they also need alterations for the bridesmaid dresses! So, I pray they call. God will provide because he loves us.

Remodeled Entry Way

STOP! Did you join my sight to make me feel better? Follow me on Twitter? Pinterest? Sign up to receive e-mails for new posts? Just checking! I might even send you free candy(some day), if you do;-)

Finally done(sort of)! Done enough for pics anyway! I still need to measure, Home Depot, attach and paint a small trim around the ceiling/wall where the old owner's left it an odd gap?! I, also still need to update the white paint everywhere you see white and paint all the fixtures(by hand)with the metallic color I got. I know I've been at this for so many months it'll be 8 years before I get all my other projects done, like this one MY Stairs to Upstairs, at this rate. The fibromyalgia slows me down and my hubster doesn't do this type of stuff. I've mentioned that before, it is not his hobby it's mine! In his opinion, you hang a few pictures and wah la the house is perfect! I'm not so easy to please. Well, anyway without further a do or delay: Sound the horns!

Before

My Favorite Idea! Mod Podge and scrapbooking paper. Spruces up old cover's without buying new ones and makes them unique!

Please ignore odd white translucent bubbles floating around they are aura's(I guess) or I needed to spit clean my camera lens!

Black Paint Tile Floor and 3/4 of Trim.
Installed new door stop(Tiny white dot on black trim).

Martha Stewart Rejuvenation(green on door) and Tahini(on walls because I liked the name).

Shelf from a Yard Sale. Hubster participated by hanging this shelf! I am not snarking on him I swear!!

Alco Nebraska pick - Mirror with pineapples carved in black .

Went with natural fiber and color door mat from Walmart to pop on the black floor and pull the color of shelf and light shade together. I, also have a plan for bamboo blinds in living room once windows are replaced.

Walmart Bell Shaped Lamp Shade in Natural Color and Black Trim. Take Note of Gap at Ceiling Trim! Bleek!

See Lamp Shade Color and Style=Love!

Squeal! Doesn't it look fabulous so far? 

Don't forget to leave a comment about what you think! I'm keeping tabs;-P (free candy)




Wait there's more where this came from you might like to read:
DIYin' It
 Laughter is Best Medicine
Confrontation in Relationships

Thou Shalt Not Covet..

..thy neighbors house(I do), wife(I don't), stuff(I do)....etc(I do)

Apparently y'all like to laugh because my Laughter is the Best Medicine post has the highest stats on it! I am obsessed with the stats! It's driving me insane and causing me to be snarky with myself:-( I was over at Melanie Crutchfield's Place last night and she sent her readers over to Jenny Lawson's Place which sent me down a worm hole of snarkiness! Going there should have made me laugh and don't get me wrong it did! I laughed hard but first I snarked on myself and decided to never blog again! because I'm not as funny as either of them and my life is way more uneventful!

If you checked out Jenny Lawson by clicking on the linky you realized very quickly that she has become so well known as a mom blogger that she has wrote a book! Only in my dreams! I want to be her! She has over 259,000 twitter followers and over 1 million blog reader's a month! I can't even figure out how to figure that out! I guess I keep working at it! My niche is everything! Life is my niche! I'm good at listening but rarely do I get comments to listen to. I'm good at soliciting advice but rarely do I get comments that need advising. 

Speaking of dreams..Last night I had a shit ton of them! I dreamed I lost Mads in the therapist's office which turned into alien weirdo type shit. Then her and her dad were in a red truck trying to back down a skinny road on the side of a mountain and yes flew off the edge and rolled. At one point, Mads had fallen out the window and was being slung around by one arm attached to the truck like a ragdoll! WTH, why I dream like this?! Why can't I dream in FUNNY! No I have to dream in horror. So not fair, I don't want to be the next Stephan King. He's fine but I just don't. I want to be funny. I'm not funny.

So, I spent yesterday doing what I am..a Seamstress. I am making a Halloween costume for my very first Etsy customer. Yippee! It is turning out great but I'm tired, my arms hurt which is causing me to be cranky with myself and other's. I may miss a day or 2 posting because of this. I, also will be starting the pain management clinic next week so who knows if I'll be up to anything for 3 1/2 weeks, including blogging. I'm scared to death, btw! I have to be there by 7:30am every morning for 3 1/2 weeks. That's gonna be so hard. Then they got to go throw in occupational therapy, physical therapy and swimming! I may die! I wonder if they'll be scheduling in naps too?! haha

Well, more on that and my life later! I got to get to sewing now that my coffee is kicking in I best take advantage of it! Ka Pow!

Peace Out,
Kim

"You Did What to the Couch?!"

Today's post is late for tmi reasons;-) I, also posted it over at my funny not slutty page because it's another one of "those" posts! It is meant for adults that want to read funny not slutty content. It's not about crafts or crocheting, if you are looking for that you need to stay here! Enjoy!

Namaste,

Kim

James Dean

The girls and I went out Saturday for a little shopping at the posh mall over in Lyndhurst. You won't find JcPenney's in this place! It's Sak's, Dillards, hanna Anderson, etc (meaning none of which we can afford). We each found something worthy (on sale) to take home. We ate at Chick-fil-A irregardless of the controversy flying around these days about that place. In my defense, I have children that are picky and I had to feed them! We got to eat (cheap), you know! In this economy I have to do what I have to do to provide for my children. And, that's all I have to say about that! Get over it!!

Maddie picked out a pair of Jeggings! These are jeans bred with leggings. They fit tight but have a zipper and button closure. She hasn't worn anything this remotely tight or jean-like since she was 4 1/2 when her Autism turned "on". It was a sweet moment for me and her! She is so proud of herself and I am too! Today was her birthday and we celebrated with a small family gathering with my sister and one of her daughters. They brought my mom home and stayed for cake. It was very pleasant. And, Maddie was on her A game (no meltdowns, no potty accidents). Anyhoo, back to our shopping trip!

Abi, oh Abi! I've wrote about what it's like to shop with Abi over here Thriftin' It Again. Twice in one week is a lot with this kid and her why's! At one point I found myself begging her to not ask another why. I must find peace and patience for this somehow! She oddly had a bit of a hard time picking out new shoes. She suddenly became indecisive and I detected some anxiety. After going to the same 3 stores twice, I took her back to The Children's Place. I picked out 2 styles and had her pick one pair. Once we narrowed it down to 1 pair I asked which ones she wanted the 13 or the size one. She said she didn't "get" how a 1 is bigger than a 13! I felt this was a reasonable question. But when she decided to pick the size 1 based on the fact that she is going to be 7 years old soon and should probably be wearing that size I had to stomp on the breaks! She often tries to make decisions based on these weird mathematical like equations based on odd reasons. I know it sounds like I'm picking on the kid but I'm not I love her really I do! Sometimes I just don't understand her and wonder if she is on the Autism Spectrum too.

Now, my turn! Yay, I planned our escape from the mall conveniently from the top floor H&M entrance to the elevator and down to the bottom floor exiting out the main doors to the parking lot. Why? Because I love H&M! I was able to look around briefly, while the girls continued to get rowdier with every second because they were done with our little shopping spree. I spotted a James Dean T-shirt (mine is white) in the men's section! I say, "What the heck is a James Dean t-shirt doing in the men's section? Don't they know it's women that want to have James Dean on their shirt (breasts) not men"! Some man looked at me oddly, no offense guys if you bought one! So, I bought it and headed home with a great big smile on my face! First thing I did when I got home was tried James Dean on;-)

Autumn Memories

The feel of autumn in the air, the melancholy of my emotions, the deja vu in my soul...the overwhelming sense of familiarity encompasses my body awakening every fiber of my being. It fills me with a vague memory of warmth, of love, of sweetness long past. I draw up images of wooden floorboards beneath my feet and crackling fires at the hearth keeping the frigidness out of the air. My old white formal nightgown brushes against my ankles as I innocently move about the room in search of something I will not find. The scratching sound as the dog chases a flea around his hide. The light from the fire is all we have to see by, as the electric is out again. We hover close to the fire and to each other to keep the chattering out of our teeth. Was it the closeness of this autumn night that drew you to me? The desire to be loved, to feel special.

We heated our water on the gas stove to draw up our baths in the morning before the daylight even began it's hello. Bucket after bucket, trip after trip until we had enough to share amongst us. The nudity as we bared our skin to cleanse ourselves, was that what drew you to me? A curiosity like no other, a wonder anew you were not satisfied with yourself so you sought after me.

Every autumn season comes and with it comes these feelings that I've been here before. The sadness that wells up inside me comforts me because of it's familiarity but suffocates me too. I wonder if one autumn season will come without the deja vu effect. Without the yesterday's flooding back to inhabit my very soul. I feel I'm being haunted without any control. I would look forward to the season after except it doesn't pass for 3. My only freedom is the season of summer when I could run and hide in the forest all day. Protecting myself as no one would. Why did I let you do this to me and for so long? Did I have a choice in the matter? Some memories tell a different story of want, desire and need to feel loved. to feel special.

I am a survivor of child abuse, more specifically incest. I will intermittently write about it as the memories come to me. Sometimes my writing will sound eloquent, sometimes it will sound as if I miss those days and that I somehow enjoyed it. Please do not be confused I did not enjoy it but my body did respond to the touch like any other human does. We curl away from painful physical abuse but as a child enveloped by confusion, nice touch feels...nice.

What is Sexy?

Hi all,

If you haven't noticed I have joined in the fun over at Funny not Slutty! So, hop on over and check it out! My Sunday post is over there! A grand attempt to be funny, do not know if I succeeded! But, at least I tried! However, some of the material is of a sensitive nature, I can't promise it won't offend you! But it may make you laugh!

Click here----->>> http://funnyfix.info/profiles/blogs/what-is-sexy

Namaste

Living on a Prayer

While surfing around the net tonight looking for something to inspire me to be funny, I have to work at that ya know, I found this instead http://seriouslythisreallyhappened.blogspot.com/. This woman has been through hell. Her husband committed suicide last year and that's all I'll say about it. Go read it, sympathize, comment and join her site if you won't join mine the least you can do is join her's in support of her and her kids! Geesh!

God, I just want to take a moment to pray for this woman and her kids and to thank you for giving me the courage and the strength to keep on living if not for myself, then for my family.

Amen

Women Speak Out

I'm going to make my own video here! Stay Tuned!
http://womenspeakout.wordpress.com/?blogsub=confirming

Extra Post: The Handmade Parade @ There and Back

Sewing, sewing, just keep sewing....Presenting.....

A few of my "In Progress Projects" for The Handmade Parade @ There and Back: Click linky to visit or join parade! http://kateyz.blogspot.com/2012/08/parade-day_10.html#comment-form

Autumn Burst Shawl

Still has a few strings hanging. Needs wooden button closure.

Still in the smallish stage!

The colors and texture... Phenomenal!

Denim Bird Apron for sale in my Etsy Shop

Hand stitched wool felt.

Thanks for checking out my post and if you feel so inclined I'd love for you to join my blog as a member and "pretend" you like me;-)

Namaste
xoxo

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Tip of the Day: Laugh often!

So, I need to go back and explain what pulled me outta my funk the other day besides Abigail's not so great blood work report. I spent the first half of the week reading posts about the BlogHer convention from my favorite blog's that I follow. I say this like I have been doing it forever! I just found this whole blog world a couple a few months ago. I know I'm a little slow! Anyway, laughter really is the best medicine!

So, for those of you that are living completely unaware of this whole blog borg out there, let me take your hand and show you the way. Don't miss out just because you think it's silly or a waste of time. Questions you may be asking yourself right now: What else should you be doing right now? (NOTHING) Is it gonna make you laugh? (HELLZ YEAH) These women that write these blogs will make you laugh til you pee in ur big girl panties and, if your a guy...big girl panties, really? Go put those things back in ur mama's dresser and get back here quick! Who doesn't need to laugh every now and again? Do I see a hand up in the crowd? Yeah, no I didn't think so! (Go back and insert Ellen  DeGeneres's voice for those last 3 lines. small technicality. sounds funnier with her voice, right?)

Warning: Viewer discretion is advised what you read after this message may be hard to handle due to the hilarious unbridled nature of the content for the conservative, close-minded or just plain uptight! +18 Please (hehe-picture me snickering)

Top 5 +1

A must read! Alex over at http://www.lateenough.com/2012/08/my-top-7-awkward-moments-around-blogher12/ Also her twitter has the best pics, https://twitter.com/L8enough

Also, a must read! Jenni over at http://mommynanibooboo.com/life/a-sum-of-some-parts-my-trip-to-blogher12/ and http://mommynanibooboo.com/life/being-new-will-get-me-to-let-you-try-and-kill-me-with-your-taxi-cab/ Wednesday's post on the taxi cab driver. OMG!! LOL'd til I peed my pants!

Another must read! Tracy over at http://sellabitmum.com/2012/08/06/breakfast-at-bernies/comment-page-1/#comment-31106

My comment to Tracy on her post: I am fairly new around these parts but I am so looking forward to getting to know many of you and coming to BlogHer in Chicago. I'll make sure to pack my vibrator stash! My last job was throwing "those" kind a home-parties, so I have a whole loot;-P Although I've thinned it out a bit by giving them away as Christmas gifts (sorry grandma, that present was meant for someone else)! 

Yep, this one too! Schmutzie aka Elan over at http://www.schmutzie.com/weblog/2012/8/6/while-i-recover-my-senses-here-are-some-pretty-party-picture.html

Last but defianately not least! Kameron over at http://www.mywrinkleintime.com/2012/08/blogher-2012-i-did-it-my-way.html

Plus 1 because she is the blogger that gave me the courage to keep blogging my way: Alex aka the Empress (Also, the 1st member to join my blog besides myself and my husband) over at http://www.gooddayregularpeople.com/2012/08/blogher-re-entry.html

I could keep this up because I read 30+ a day, kind of like most peeps read the news paper! Why? Because, who wants to read about whose blowing us up, plotting to blow us up or pissing on us? Second reason, life is b-o-r-i-n-g! These are the ones that made me laugh the most. They are not the only ones floating around this week. Come on...there were like 5000 blogging women at this thing called BlogHer and a few lost men! Actually in the men's defense they (pretend) to blog too (bless their hearts). Happy laughing!

Sorry, they just keep coming in!

Here's Liz and she's giving away a free vibrator over at http://sixyearitch.com/2012/08/i-was-vibrator-famous-at-blogher-giveawa

Peace out!
Kim

ps Hope you didn't pee ur pants:-)

Thriftin' It Again

I've been waiting all week for Wednesday to get here just so I could head out to Strongsville Salvation Army. Wednesday is 50% off everything but the color of the day and domestics. Which annoys the heck outta me! I'm frugal (cheap skate)! I was in desperate need of fabric and had high hopes of finding some there.

Convo between me and the hubster:

Me: I'm going to x, y and z.
Hubster: Who you taking with you?
Me: Are you kidding?
Hubster: I just thought....(trails off)
Me: Just thought what?
Hubster: Well, you were just saying you were glad your program was pushed back a week so you could do some stuff with Maddie that's all.
Me: She hates the Salvation Army!
Me: (10 minutes later guilt riddin') Maddie wanna go with me?
Maddie: Heck NO! Just buy me something nice!
Abigail- standing by door with shoes on! WTHeck!

It always happens this way! I have full intentions to grab some me time and in the end it's me and Abi going shopping together. Which, I love the kid I do but how many blessed times is she going to ask why before she grows out of asking why?!! She has been doing it since she could talk! It never ends!

Convo between me and Abi:

Me: Let's try to hurry and try your clothes on.
Abi: Why?
Me: Because.
Abi: Because we need to hurry and get home. (never a question, always a statement of fact)
Me: No, just because.
Abi: Because people are waiting in line.
Me: yep.
Abi: Because someone might take our buggy.
Me: Because I said so could you please just do it (insert sigh)
Abi: Why?????????????

Ok, you get my point. Everything, every 5 minutes (seconds) is like this with her. She wears us thin with the why's. We do love you Abi and are so happy you are inquisitive really we do! But, could you save it for your teacher at school that's what she gets paid for. Abi, "It is?" (giant smile on Abi's face) Poor teacher is gonna have to teach this year..no slacking around this kid! I home schooled her last semester and I couldn't keep up with her!

Anyhoo, to get to my stash, my goods, my loot:

3 pairs of almost new Justice jeans for Maddie, Forever 21 jean vest and the best pair: Abercrombie Jeans that fit like a glove! Wahoo- Maddie 4 vs. Autism 0

Abi- too much to list I'll just post pics as she wears them each day to school.

Me: Fabric, fabric, fabric

The purple polka is a heavier weight. I already had the green checked. This is gonna be a lil' kids dress.

Linen. Light color will be a purse. The burnt orange...? I just loved the color and 99 cent price tag!

These are a wool blend and soft as h*ll! I love the purple and turquoise; plus the purple has flecks of the turquoise in it! Some part of a quilt is what they will be.

The blue is a dusty blue and dark chocolate in thin pinned corduroy. Definitely part of a winter quilt ; now I need to figure out what to put with it to make it pop!

In great need of quilting advice!! I can crochet, design and sew clothes, paint and draw, but a quilter I am not, yet! All the other funny stuff I wanted to write and post lives only inside my head and only comes out while I'm driving my car. So, I am the only one that get's to laugh at my humor. I probably look a bit crazy while driving my car laughing to myself!

Health Overhaul

Tip of the day: Put 'ur big girl panties on and yank 'em up!

Nothing like a sh**load of medical diagnosis's to get you to do a 190! Yesterday's diagnosis's make a total of 7 just since we moved at Christmas! Yep, that's just less than 9 months.  Abigail and I are tied 3 for 3 but it ain't nothin' to brag about! Let's make a list:

Momma: Fibromyalgia (age 27), Structural Scoliosis(age 38), Restless Leg Syndrome(age 38), Migraines (age 13), Ortho-Static Hypotension (pass out; age 36), Hypoglycemia (age 14),  High Cholesterol (this year), Low Vitamin D (this year) , Hypothyroid (age 36), Chronic Depression (age 16), Anxiety (age 16), Chronic Constipation (age 5)

Dadda: High Cholesterol (age 47), Hypothyroid (age47)

Madeleine: Autism Spectrum Disorder (age 8), Hashimoto Disease (Thyroid; this year), Encopresis (age 6; pooping pants), Enuresis (Age 6; daytime wetting), Chronic Constipation (2 weeks old), Anxiety (this year)

Abigail: Fructose Intolerance (this year; age 6), High Cholesterol (yesterday), Low Vitamin D (yesterday)

Twins: Sensory Integration Issues (last year) and hopefully nothing else!

Look back up there! Can you friggin' believe my 6 yr old has High Cholesterol! What the heck! How did this happen?? Too many chicken's? I mean really that's all she consumes that has cholesterol in it, except milk! The culprit...MILK from the store! Whole milk that is strongly recommended to you until they are 2 years of age. Probably not the best idea for kids that are at risk because of genetics. 

Instead of the nutrition guidelines being based on broad generalizations and applied to the entire human race. Genetics (high cholesterol on both sides, obviously) needs to be taken into consideration. Then, parents lifestyle (sedentary) before having kids. Then, like most kids mine are picky (no vegetables)! Oh, don't forget to consider that we are in America and we all know america pushes junk food!!!


So the nurse, after dropping the stink bomb on me yesterday, says I'll be mailing you dietary information for the high cholesterol. I said, just keep in mind this is the child that was just diagnosed with fructose intolerance. "sigh". Repeat's self. "OK". Click. She didn't know what to say and I am exasperated! Thank you Lord for showing us the way to a pure body to honor and serve you with.

Because I'm one of those folks that don't just half a** it! Drill Sargent Bischof reporting for duty! So out with yesterday's wallowing in self-pity! Time to pull up ur boot straps and get moving! When the doc told me in Feb my Cholesterol was up I said, "I'll be back in 6 months with it down".  I can use my body aches and pains as an excuse to not exercise myself but when it comes to the people I am responsible for like my children. There are NO excuses! Got it!

In conclusion for today, you might not be reading to many more mamsy pamsy posts from me anymore for a while because I am going to focus in on Our Health! Be on the lookout for posts on what I'm doing to improve or reverse our diagnosis's without chemical medications! This should be interesting! You know I've had the knowledge for years, I teach it but I have failed to live it! Now it's time to live it! So, you can expect to see us beginning things like:

My Extracurricular Activity with Kids

Maddie's Extracurricular Activity

Abi's Extracurricular Activity

Hope Gone Bad

Apparently, writing my hope post sent me into a spiraling depression today. I feel I have nothing to say. I have nothing to hope for. I'm sure forcing Maddie through another clean out has not helped me and for whatever reason when I am away from my mother (who completely annoys me most of the time) I go through this. Maybe it's some weird kind of separation anxiety except I'm an adult and should be grown out of it by now. This is a poopy post that I should not post. I should wait out my funk before I post again. Who knows when it will end though. It would probably go faster if I wrote about it but what to say?

I feel lost. I feel sad. Melancholy. I feel fall in my spirit and bones. It comes every year. But every year I wonder if it will pass me up just this once. I want to be a happy cheerful person. I want to quit thinking about my ex meeting his daughter but I can't. She asked me today what he looked like and when he would want to meet her. I had no answer. I'm sorry baby. I don't know. I am sorry for her that he doesn't want to. My hubster and I argued today about what I should do next. Like everyone else he thinks I should forget about it. If only it was that easy! What about all the family not just him and his immediate, siblings and parents. What about her cousins that are practically the same age and great aunts and uncles? What about her right's?

I know it's backwards! Usually it's the dad fighting for his rights but in our circumstance it's the daughter fighting for her rights to be a part of that family. Just saying it's their loss is not that true or easy. However, my hubster said to do what I felt needed to be done for Maddie and he would be supportive. I won that battle yet I do not feel any better about it. I just want everyone to be happy in the end. I'm afraid there will be no happy ending. Why does everything in this F****** life have to be so difficult? Fixing the fridge, fixing this situation...both are actually comparable. Nothing ever gets fixed no matter how hard you try or don't try.

I'm gonna go crawl in a hole (my bed) now and cry.

If hope floats,  I am defiantly sinking. Awoken at 5:00 am to another explosive poop. Poor Maddie!  I just read that the opposite of hope is fear, not hopelessness by Margaret Wheatley. Linky to meditation   http://www.ufppc.org/quotations-mainmenu-39/7448-meditation-the-opposite-of-hope-is-fear-not-hopelessness.html. I'm gonna go read this is get back to ya on it. I just have one last thought to say to the small world of folks that are taking the time to read my BS. We share a daughter, a beautiful innocent daughter. Can't we be Allies?

Death and Taxes

3 Sure Things in Life

1. Death

2. Taxes



3. Everybody Poops! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFdRqoVSZPE


You may be wondering right about now, what has possessed me to blog about poop! Well, in my family poop is a big deal! I mean big! We are a family of constipation sufferers. Nothing works or helps. No amount of beans, pumpkin or cantelope will ever bring any of us relief, EVER!

Until I had my first kid I had no idea it was hereditary. What an awful trait to pass along to your kids, I mean, 'not pass'. See that's the problem, the NOT passing part! As if potty training is so much fun to begin with. Throw in Autism and constipation and it's near impossible and absolutely painful for all involved! Maddie will be 10 in less than 2 weeks and we are on round 2000 something of are never ending potty training saga.

Laxatives, enemas and suppositories, Oh my! I remember the first enema we had to give her we were staying over night at our good friends in Parkersburg, WV. My hubster had some kind of business conference  going on. She hadn't pooped in so many days and the dr gave us an enema deadline. If she hadn't done her business by X amount of days...and you know the rest. We had to do the enema. We had no idea what we were doing. She was just a few months old. We  (our friends and us) set up to do the task. Plastic garbage bag in cold hard tub, sleeves rolled and latex gloves on..we lay our precious daughter naked in there and administered the enema. I don't know what the heck we were all expecting! She wasn't a 10 ton elephant! She wasn't gonna poo all over the place! In our defense, we had no clue what we were doing! Poor baby!

Well, 10 years later we are still doing the same damn thing and I am SO tired of it and bless her little heart so is she! I told the dr last week we are SO DONE with Miralax! We will never NEVER use it again. It's supposed to be harmless bulk that just "pushes" through! Let's just say I tried it 2 weeks ago on myself and I felt like I was delivering an elephant! I can't believe we gave that stuff to her. Oh and btw, I was still constipated when it was over after a week of running (sprinting) to the bathroom.

So with my defiance comes a new protocol but first we have to do another "clean out". Like purging your closet but not as fun! Day 1- 5 tsps of Milk of Mag am/pm. Day 2- 5 tsps of Milk of gag again am and 9 ounces of Magnesium Citrate. Well, we already had to get the spot bot (for pets, although we've only ever had to use it with Maddie) out to clean the carpet because she had an explosion of sorts. Yep, that's the difference between a few months old and 9 yrs old, now she is like a pooping elephant!

After this, we then start a new medicine and start going to another psychologist because everyone needs more than 1, right! The first one is for behavioral therapy and the second one specializes in Encopresis (Bowel Incontinence- AKA poops her pants frequently). So need I say again, some days I am so tired of this. Will it ever get better? I know it could be worse but God help her, please! Someday when I'm not in the midst of this and I am in higher spirits I will tell the story about when she sprayed crapola all over the wall and changing table.

So are the days of our lives! Here are a few recommended books and don't forget to watch that hilarious you tube video above!

Suggested Titles

Kids Section: 1) Everyone Poops  http://www.amazon.com/Everyone-Poops-My-Body-Science/dp/0916291456/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1344223207&sr=1-1&keywords=everybody+poops

2) It Hurts When I Poop http://www.amazon.com/Hurts-Story-Children-Scared-Potty/dp/1433801302/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1344223207&sr=1-5&keywords=everybody+poops


Adult Section: Everybody Poops 410 Pounds a Year http://www.amazon.com/Everybody-Poops-410-Pounds-Year/dp/1569757771/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1344223207&sr=1-2&keywords=everybody+poops