" The most creative act you will ever undertake is the act of creating yourself."

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Sleepless in Cleveland

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Oh what a rough night! I was not able to escape the virus that was passed through the family one by one. I always get it the worst and the longest because of having fibromyalgia. I wish I would have got to watch the video that the Cleveland Pain Clinic presented to our families. I'm sure it helps for my husband to understand the science behind why I heal slower but I would like to understand also. It has been a while(15 years)since I did any research on the subject. When I was first diagnosed, I did a shit ton of reading about it. There really wasn't that much info about it back then. Now, there's Juvenile Fibromyalgia, which I practically invented! I could of been the poster child for it!

We shall see how today goes. I absolutely have to sew that costume together! Just now realized that I forgot to link up to jana's thinking place after posting on Sunday to participate! That was half a fail/half a success:/ Oh well things happen! What to do before next Friday the 28th sew, plan a party and be sick. I have to write multiple letters to the people that have hurt me that I have not found resolution. Oh dear God, I understand the point but. . .I really have already done that and sent them and without a response feel incapable of having resolution.

I may always feel like there is no closure unless he decides to meet her. That's really all I want. don't deny her her rights to know you. i know life is not fair, but it's only fair. what madeleine needs she gets. i know noone understands but noone needs to understand. only i need to and her. i know what needs to happen and i now know that it will help her. people disagree and their opinions are not needed anymore. i am a strong healthy woman. i can make good decisions. you and your family have nothing we need or want except to let her meet you. that's all just meet her. no more no less. fate can decide from there. god will take it from there completely and what will happen will be god's choices not ours. i say this like god's choices aren't part of this now but that's how i make my decision's. that is how i know it's right for her by listening to god.

there were no other's just you. i know. just you. if you or your family wants dna you may have it. there is nothing to be afraid of for me or you. but i am not going to create more drama for any of us by going through the law. that is the one request of his i can honor. there needs not to be law, papers, etc.  everyone can give dna willingly or you can just look at her face and know it is his face not mine. there is nothing your family should fear. i am not to be feared. i am harmless. i will not punish anyone by taking her away. because that will punish her more and i will never hurt her. she and i are not going anywhere. my husband supports all of my decisions and believes i am not making bad decisions. he trusts me to do whats right. to do what god wants. god leads and i follow. the day i can come to you all with calmness is the day i know god is bringing me and me not bringing me.

well, that's a pretty good start to a letter and the babe twins are running rampid through the house. so, ta ta for now,

About Dazed and Creative

Kimberley Bischof is a massage therapist, yoga teacher, birth doula, blogger and Super Hot Mom.

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