" The most creative act you will ever undertake is the act of creating yourself."

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Lost Down Alice's Rabbit Hole

Yes as a matter of fact I am. Lost inside of Cleveland Clinic Pain Rehab. Confused, conflicted, mad, annoyed, happy, alone, not alone...a roller coaster of emotion. What I am not is in pain! Why because it's none of your business if I am or am not! Matter of fact it is none of my business if I am in P! The "P" word is not to be spoken ever again unless it's acute and I need a f@#$ing band aid for real! No I am not mad about this. I am mad because they think everyone is always "using" pain behaviors. They think everyone that comes in is addicted or will become addicted because of the P. I just changed my username on google to my blog name and updated  my description to "manipulate with tears, do not take constructive criticism well, do not work well with others, love to laugh". 

What I really am is all the emotions in the second sentence above. I've been told this week when I cry while in an argument it's because I'm trying to manipulate the person to feel guilty. Don't you love psychologist's! And, here I thought I wanted to be one when I grow up! haha They have such profound insight! I chewed on that bull crap all weekend before I realized it was a generalization. What is really happening to me when I cry in an argument is I am angry and frustrated and sometimes scared out of my pants because all the arguments I grew up with ended up in being beaten by my dad, abandoned emotionally by my mom and emotionally and verbally abused by one of my siblings and molested by the other two. And, in the end it was all somehow my fault or it never happened I just imagined it. 

What I hear when I am being corrected or constructively criticized is "your a stupid idiot, your not good enough, you never finish anything, your talking to much, your not talking enough, everything you say is about you, you are selfish, why won't you talk about yourself, your a baby if you cry, your worthless, why don't you just kill yourself nobody cares anyway" and now I get to add to that committing suicide is just one big fuck you to everyone that loves you. When does it become about me...my life I mean? I didn't choose to be born. If I had known mental illness ran in the family I might have spared my children. So, I get to feel guilty for all the wrong ways my mom treated the other siblings and I get to feel guilty for passing mental illness to my children. I get to feel guilty for being molested because I somehow didn't stop it. I get to feel guilty because I'm STILL angry about that. 

I make a sad discovery and what do I do but reach out to the one person who can't give back in the very least. Why would I reach out to someone who abused me? Will I never learn? Now that really does make me sound like an idiot. 

On an up note, I completed a few more of my goals in OT. Played water volley ball yesterday and had a blast! Learned some Tai Chi and loved it! Meditated a lot and practiced my relaxation techniques when I was constructively criticized even though the dr felt I had shut down and withdrew from the group forcing him to feel like he had to walk on egg shells and mourn for the people that didn't get feed back from me because I give such great feedback! I told him, that it was his choice to feel that way about how I was responding to my constructive feedback. If he made the choice to walk on eggshells and mourn then I had no control over that. I am not that powerful. We have a choice to react a certain way and he chose his. I conquered my goal and that's what mattered most to me. I was able to take feedback given to me and breath through the anxiety of past thoughts and relax when it happened. We need to be the change we wish to see the world-Ghandi

My hubster wants to know if I think I'm getting what I need out of this program? Well, I don't know but what I am not going to do is quit because that is what I am expected to do! I am getting needed PT/OT and CBT/Biofeedback therapy. Sure there were easier ways to get these things possibly but I'm here it's paid for and follow up PT/OT is free for life so what the heck, right. And, I am changing my perception of pain. Anything, else will be considered fringe benefits!

tata for now,

It may be a few days..I am the "F" word...shhh, don't tell! Today, I am a Christian who needs to chew on a bar of soap!

F=Fucked Fatigued

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