Another couple of bad fibro days added to the bad osteo arthritis days end of last week and the weekend makes for a whole week gone with no productivity. And, 1 day of no blogging, which really isn't that bad but I want to stay committed to my writing. I just don't want to do anything when I don't feel well but who does, right?! I slept all day Monday and Tuesday. Then finally wrapped the whole right side of my body in ace bandages, and slept some more . Sometimes I think it might just be easier to take narcotics to deal with this or some pain med. At least I would be up and out of bed! Maybe not in my right mind to be productive but I'd be up. I get so depressed over it and that doesn't help either.
Anyhoo, I went to see the Pastor on Monday evening about "that" situation and it was very helpful and saddening. What I have to learn is that God's grace is enough. This Pastor's specialty is not necessarily on relationships but he gets the what if's because he deals with end of life issues. He said that if I have any what if's I have to answer them to have freedom from the issue. Otherwise, I will never have peace. That doesn't sound pleasant. He, also told me that getting the results I hope for is slim to none.
So, which one can I live with better? The "what if" or the "I don't want to know her"? What a hard choice! Is this choice for me or her and them? Lord, help me to do the right thing for her. I believe in second chances. I don't know if I believe deep down in their hearts they want to but are afraid. I believe in human beings and the ability to love. I know they are capable of love. I have felt it before, even if not now. I haven't forgotten. I have made some mistakes. I have not always went about all this the right way. I am not an expert in these types of issues or communication but I am trying so hard. The pastor did say that he could clearly see that I am doing one thing right for sure. I am trying to figure out and do the right thing by God.
What if placed in a room with her with no one around to play and whatever, you could change your mind. I know that somewhere in you must be curious and a little sorry. Why do I think this? I believed in you once and that has not left me. I knew you on a level that was intimate emotionally. I believe you are a good person that has made a bad decision. We all make bad decisions sometimes. They can all be fixed and repaired to some degree with hope. Even after all this, after all my pain and frustration, I still trust you with her. Everyone thinks I'm stupid and or crazy but this is about no one but you and her. That is what it is really about.
Someday if you need blood or a kidney and she is your only match, what do you think I would do? I will raise her to be like me. Loving, giving and caring. She and I would not say no. I do understand in this very moment right now why you made that choice long ago and I forgive you.